|This is a snapshot from a |
video we took of him screaming
during a session. (noise warning!!)
Worse?! What exactly does that mean? Well its kind of a complicated thing to explain, but over the last few weeks we have seen a rapid decline in almost every area. My bright clever little boy isn't labeling anything anymore, hell we can only get him to say 3 words and that's like pulling teeth! The screaming and obsessive compulsive behaviors have gotten worse too. Sure it's kind of cute that his little animal lines became parades around the table, but the fits over moving even one toy aren't normal, even by autism standards. His anxiety has always been an issue but that's amped up too. This is only scratching the surface of the new challenges the last two months have brought but no one wants to read a pity party post. Long story short, his developmental pediatrician thinks he has a mild case of PANDAS or PANS and has him on antibiotics. Its a very controversial diagnosis, as some doctors think its a load of crap but if a month of antibiotics might help, I don't see the harm in try the treatment. She doesn't think its a permanent case but its still a scary issue.
We (my husband and I) try to avoid any thought process that starts with "Why did this have to happen to us..." but for the last few weeks its been that nagging thought at the back of my mind. We try to treat autism as much of a blessing as possible; we have become a strong family because of it not in spite. And we never look at it as something wrong with him or in need of curing, but this sudden onset of intense symptoms just doesn't feel right, if that makes sense at all?
We are all still adjusting to Alex's new work schedule that basically puts him 10-12 hours ahead of us as far as how his internal clock perceives time. But with Alex home sleeping during the day, when Xander goes down for his nap due to the heat, I get to have time to myself! This is something that is truly rare in my life. With his heightened clingy-ness I can't so much as leave the room or run upstairs without a screaming fit or him chasing after me. But for about 3 hours everyday I get to be Devon. Not Mom, Wife, Daughter. Just me. And that feels good. I start to forget how that feels after a while. Best part is I get an escape from autism. Don't read into that, I don't mean from my son or from his challenges specifically, but just the world AUTISM. I don't have to think about it, it doesn't need to be the subtext of everything I do like it is the rest of the day. I don't need to worry about what's next and why he's getting worse. I spend far too much time with that word bouncing around in my head and I need an escape.
So I run. I started a few weeks ago and every day I've been trying to get out to let out some steam. I joined a gym, due to the heat, it wasn't healthy to run in the middle of the day when he naps. But luckily we have a minor break in the weather and its beautiful to be able to kill myself running up a hill just to see the
|view from the top of a hill behind our house |
with a loose gravel road and stream. I love where we live!